Chris and I are pretty certain that, when it comes to juggling two churches with kids, our home life will be the easy part. The big struggle is going to be deciding which church to attend on Sundays. Which church our children will commune in and which traditions they will grow up with is a frequent topic of conversation for us.
I do think our home life will be the easiest to figure out. Chris and I have similar ways of incorporating our faith into our everyday lives. For example, our prayer corners are similar. He developed a love for icons before we became friends, so his prayer corner looks a lot like mine. If we homeschool, which is what we both want, I know that we will teach our children respect for both the Eastern and Western saints and traditions. At this point we're both pretty sure we won't convert to the other's church, so we'll also be exposing our children to the feasts and fasts of both churches. This can only work if they are firmly grounded in one and if both Chris and I are faithfully attending and prayerfully observing our own.
Chris is concerned because I have problems with points of Catholic theology and practice, and I understand where he is coming from. He doesn't want me teaching our children to disrespect his church. I don't want that, either, but some days I can get very upset during Mass. This is my main focus right now -- how to accept the Roman Catholic Church as valid and not empty or heretical. It's horribly prideful for me to say that millions of Catholics are wrong, but my brain can't quite wrap around two different churches being God's Church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it. I'm sure God can do it, but I don't understand it.
The division of our churches is a horrible tragedy, yet somehow I'm sure God is in it, or in us. That's my fervent hope. For now we'll keep living our faith in unity and maybe try not to talk about theology so much.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Double the Fun
It's 8:30 on Sunday morning and I have a short reprieve before Chris picks me up for our marathon morning of church services. When we first started dating we didn't change what we did on Sundays -- I went to my church, he went to his, we met up for lunch. But, because we both see dating as a direct path to marriage, we soon realized that we needed to figure out what to do on Sundays as a couple.
So now he picks me up for the 9am Mass at his parish, then we speed across town to catch the 10am liturgy at mine. We're usually about 15 minutes late. This morning, however, I've procrastinated on picking up my supplies for coffee hour so we're going to have to do that between services and be even later.
Sunday mornings are, without a doubt, the biggest source of stress in our relationship. Neither of us feel much connection to the worship style of the other. Chris, however, being much more secure in his faith, can worship God anywhere, while I get thrown off at the slightest distraction. Somewhere in the middle of his mass I invariably find myself ready to break up with him and bolt out the door, and sometimes I even find myself scouting the parish for eligible Catholic women to fix him up with. It's no good.
I don't know what I'm hoping for right now. Catholicism is so much a part of Chris that I don't feel right wishing he'd convert, but we spend so much energy being indecisive about how to raise our future children that it would certainly be easier if we were in communion with each other. We both pray for the reconciliation of our Churches. It is unlikely to happen in our lifetimes (and certainly not soon enough to solve this decision for us), of course, but we feel as though we're working out a bit of that reconciliation in our relationship. It can sometimes be a lot of pressure on two kids who just want to love each other.
So now he picks me up for the 9am Mass at his parish, then we speed across town to catch the 10am liturgy at mine. We're usually about 15 minutes late. This morning, however, I've procrastinated on picking up my supplies for coffee hour so we're going to have to do that between services and be even later.
Sunday mornings are, without a doubt, the biggest source of stress in our relationship. Neither of us feel much connection to the worship style of the other. Chris, however, being much more secure in his faith, can worship God anywhere, while I get thrown off at the slightest distraction. Somewhere in the middle of his mass I invariably find myself ready to break up with him and bolt out the door, and sometimes I even find myself scouting the parish for eligible Catholic women to fix him up with. It's no good.
I don't know what I'm hoping for right now. Catholicism is so much a part of Chris that I don't feel right wishing he'd convert, but we spend so much energy being indecisive about how to raise our future children that it would certainly be easier if we were in communion with each other. We both pray for the reconciliation of our Churches. It is unlikely to happen in our lifetimes (and certainly not soon enough to solve this decision for us), of course, but we feel as though we're working out a bit of that reconciliation in our relationship. It can sometimes be a lot of pressure on two kids who just want to love each other.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
On divorce and annulment
Chris and I were best friends for three years before we started dating. I wanted to be dating that whole time; he was convinced we could never be together. Why? Because I had been married before (and not too long before, either) and he, being Catholic, didn't want to be in a relationship with a [formerly] married woman.
The Orthodox view on divorce is similar to the Catholic view, but just different enough that remarriage becomes possible:
The Roman Catholic position on marriage and divorce is, as most everyone knows, that once a couple is married the union can only be dissolved by the death of a spouse. Civil divorces are not recognized, and the church won't grant a divorce.
The Orthodox position is similar in that marriages are considered permanent and the church does not grant a divorce. However, in the case that a couple does decide to divorce, the church will allow remarriage under the principal of eikonomia. Remarriage is a more solemn event and cannot be repeated more than three times.
Eikonomia is decided on a case by case basis. In my case, I was prevented from receiving communion for a period of one year. During that time I communicated with my priest often to be sure that whatever sins I had which contributed to the failure of the marriage were brought to light and began to heal. When the year was close to ending and my priest and I both felt good about my return to the chalice, we wrote letters to Metropolitan Phillip requesting my return to communion and my ability to remarry in the church. This permission was granted.
Chris finally acknowledged that an annulment may be acceptable, and I soon began the process of requesting one through the Catholic church. Why did I need one, if I wasn't the Catholic half of the party? The answer, which caused me much frustration for a good long time, is that the Roman Catholic church considers the Orthodox sacraments, including marriage, to be valid. That is, if a Roman Catholic wants to marry a Protestant who has been divorced, the Catholic church might not require that the Protestant's former marriage be annulled. However, because the Catholic church views Orthodox marriage as being sacramental, I needed an annulment. What most frustrated me about this is that the same spirit of love which establishes marriage as a sacrament also desires not the death of a sinner, but that she should turn from her wickedness and live. To me, the Orthodox approach of loving the sinner and giving her a second chance is more Christ-like.
My experience with the annulment process was a positive one, despite what I was led to believe. It isn't true that I had to prove that my ex-husband was completely at fault. In fact, I found the annulment to follow closely the pattern I had already experienced in my consultations with my priest, except almost everything was done on paper for people I couldn't talk to. I needed to establish that the grounds under which I was seeking the annulment were acceptable, which I did in consultation with a Catholic lay person in a volunteer position. She was very positive and loving and listened to me without judgement. The next step was to fill out a form with a series of questions about me and my ex, our backgrounds, our approaches to marriage, and our involvement with the church. Then I wrote a series of essays to more fully explain the circumstances which led to the dissolution of our marriage.
The whole package was sent to the Tribunal's office in the local diocese, and then my involvement was over. I was told I would hear a decision in 12-18 months. Every few months I received a letter with a brief status report, but there was no indication of how much of the process remained or what role I could play. Because my ex and I had established in advance that I would be seeking an annulment, and because our parting was mutual, mine was completed in under 12 months.
After having experienced both approaches, I felt much better about my experience in the Orthodox church. The work I needed to do to return to the chalice and fully reenter the life of the church was always something that was fully in my control. I needed to probe the depths of my self to root out the sin that had both moved me into and out of the marriage. At no time was I asked to blame my ex. The issue was always me and my relationship to God and His Church. There are still some roles I am not allowed to fill in my parish, and there are some that I will never be allowed to fill because I was a participant in the grave sin of divorce. Somehow knowing that there are real world consequences for my actions, and yet I am not driven out completely, is comforting.
The Orthodox view on divorce is similar to the Catholic view, but just different enough that remarriage becomes possible:
The Roman Catholic position on marriage and divorce is, as most everyone knows, that once a couple is married the union can only be dissolved by the death of a spouse. Civil divorces are not recognized, and the church won't grant a divorce.
The Orthodox position is similar in that marriages are considered permanent and the church does not grant a divorce. However, in the case that a couple does decide to divorce, the church will allow remarriage under the principal of eikonomia. Remarriage is a more solemn event and cannot be repeated more than three times.
Eikonomia is decided on a case by case basis. In my case, I was prevented from receiving communion for a period of one year. During that time I communicated with my priest often to be sure that whatever sins I had which contributed to the failure of the marriage were brought to light and began to heal. When the year was close to ending and my priest and I both felt good about my return to the chalice, we wrote letters to Metropolitan Phillip requesting my return to communion and my ability to remarry in the church. This permission was granted.
Chris finally acknowledged that an annulment may be acceptable, and I soon began the process of requesting one through the Catholic church. Why did I need one, if I wasn't the Catholic half of the party? The answer, which caused me much frustration for a good long time, is that the Roman Catholic church considers the Orthodox sacraments, including marriage, to be valid. That is, if a Roman Catholic wants to marry a Protestant who has been divorced, the Catholic church might not require that the Protestant's former marriage be annulled. However, because the Catholic church views Orthodox marriage as being sacramental, I needed an annulment. What most frustrated me about this is that the same spirit of love which establishes marriage as a sacrament also desires not the death of a sinner, but that she should turn from her wickedness and live. To me, the Orthodox approach of loving the sinner and giving her a second chance is more Christ-like.
My experience with the annulment process was a positive one, despite what I was led to believe. It isn't true that I had to prove that my ex-husband was completely at fault. In fact, I found the annulment to follow closely the pattern I had already experienced in my consultations with my priest, except almost everything was done on paper for people I couldn't talk to. I needed to establish that the grounds under which I was seeking the annulment were acceptable, which I did in consultation with a Catholic lay person in a volunteer position. She was very positive and loving and listened to me without judgement. The next step was to fill out a form with a series of questions about me and my ex, our backgrounds, our approaches to marriage, and our involvement with the church. Then I wrote a series of essays to more fully explain the circumstances which led to the dissolution of our marriage.
The whole package was sent to the Tribunal's office in the local diocese, and then my involvement was over. I was told I would hear a decision in 12-18 months. Every few months I received a letter with a brief status report, but there was no indication of how much of the process remained or what role I could play. Because my ex and I had established in advance that I would be seeking an annulment, and because our parting was mutual, mine was completed in under 12 months.
After having experienced both approaches, I felt much better about my experience in the Orthodox church. The work I needed to do to return to the chalice and fully reenter the life of the church was always something that was fully in my control. I needed to probe the depths of my self to root out the sin that had both moved me into and out of the marriage. At no time was I asked to blame my ex. The issue was always me and my relationship to God and His Church. There are still some roles I am not allowed to fill in my parish, and there are some that I will never be allowed to fill because I was a participant in the grave sin of divorce. Somehow knowing that there are real world consequences for my actions, and yet I am not driven out completely, is comforting.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Preface
A little bit about us:
I am a convert to Eastern Orthodoxy (Dormition of 1998) from, well, not much. My parents were vehement ex-Catholics, and though I've discovered a dormant anti-Catholic sentiment hidden in my being I don't have any concrete recollections of having talked about it much growing up. In fact, I used to go to church with my best friend in seventh grade sometimes, and even took communion because no one told me not to. I was baptized Catholic but have no memory of attending church until those later visits. I started going to Protestant churches with friends in high school and I even attended and then became a counselor at a summer Bible camp, but it didn't stick. I was a horrible Protestant. I just could never understand why I needed to join a church, and when I went to college and my friends weren't there I fould that it didn't offer much to hold me. I discovered Orthodoxy a year or so out of college when a friend found it and shared, and I converted not too long later. I love it.
My boyfriend, Chris, is a cradle Catholic. He identifies strongly with the Polish Catholicism of his grandmother and father. He and his siblings were raised in the church, though his mother didn't convert until the late 1990s. He is a very pius and faithful Catholic and seems to like everything about Orthodoxy except the Easternness of it and the fact that it's not in communion with Rome. Sometimes we seem to agree more about matters of faith and doctrine than I think we should given what I know about Catholicism, but he never sees his beliefs as being at odds with the church.
At times we are a perfect pair, and at others there exists a gulf so large that it feels as though the touch of our hands is the only thing holding us together. I may be the only one who feels that way.
I am a convert to Eastern Orthodoxy (Dormition of 1998) from, well, not much. My parents were vehement ex-Catholics, and though I've discovered a dormant anti-Catholic sentiment hidden in my being I don't have any concrete recollections of having talked about it much growing up. In fact, I used to go to church with my best friend in seventh grade sometimes, and even took communion because no one told me not to. I was baptized Catholic but have no memory of attending church until those later visits. I started going to Protestant churches with friends in high school and I even attended and then became a counselor at a summer Bible camp, but it didn't stick. I was a horrible Protestant. I just could never understand why I needed to join a church, and when I went to college and my friends weren't there I fould that it didn't offer much to hold me. I discovered Orthodoxy a year or so out of college when a friend found it and shared, and I converted not too long later. I love it.
My boyfriend, Chris, is a cradle Catholic. He identifies strongly with the Polish Catholicism of his grandmother and father. He and his siblings were raised in the church, though his mother didn't convert until the late 1990s. He is a very pius and faithful Catholic and seems to like everything about Orthodoxy except the Easternness of it and the fact that it's not in communion with Rome. Sometimes we seem to agree more about matters of faith and doctrine than I think we should given what I know about Catholicism, but he never sees his beliefs as being at odds with the church.
At times we are a perfect pair, and at others there exists a gulf so large that it feels as though the touch of our hands is the only thing holding us together. I may be the only one who feels that way.
Introduction
Aware that most of my livejournal friends are at best indifferent and at most adverse to Christianity, I've spent the last few years heavily censoring the posts I wanted to make so as not to offend any of them. Meanwhile, I continued to add more and more blogs to my lj feed so I could read other people talk about their experiences with this difficult thing we call faith and life. Now I'm taking the plunge - turning this old abandoned blog into a place where I can talk about the things going on in my head. After all, people need to choose to add this blog to their daily reading list, and they can remove it at their leisure without fear of "unfriending" me, as it were.
So here goes my first foray into a real, deep, public sharing of my struggles with the many facets of God's Church. Maybe someone out there will find it worth reading.
So here goes my first foray into a real, deep, public sharing of my struggles with the many facets of God's Church. Maybe someone out there will find it worth reading.
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