On divorce and annulment

Chris and I were best friends for three years before we started dating. I wanted to be dating that whole time; he was convinced we could never be together. Why? Because I had been married before (and not too long before, either) and he, being Catholic, didn't want to be in a relationship with a [formerly] married woman.

The Orthodox view on divorce is similar to the Catholic view, but just different enough that remarriage becomes possible:

The Roman Catholic position on marriage and divorce is, as most everyone knows, that once a couple is married the union can only be dissolved by the death of a spouse. Civil divorces are not recognized, and the church won't grant a divorce.

The Orthodox position is similar in that marriages are considered permanent and the church does not grant a divorce. However, in the case that a couple does decide to divorce, the church will allow remarriage under the principal of eikonomia. Remarriage is a more solemn event and cannot be repeated more than three times.

Eikonomia is decided on a case by case basis. In my case, I was prevented from receiving communion for a period of one year. During that time I communicated with my priest often to be sure that whatever sins I had which contributed to the failure of the marriage were brought to light and began to heal. When the year was close to ending and my priest and I both felt good about my return to the chalice, we wrote letters to Metropolitan Phillip requesting my return to communion and my ability to remarry in the church. This permission was granted.

Chris finally acknowledged that an annulment may be acceptable, and I soon began the process of requesting one through the Catholic church. Why did I need one, if I wasn't the Catholic half of the party? The answer, which caused me much frustration for a good long time, is that the Roman Catholic church considers the Orthodox sacraments, including marriage, to be valid. That is, if a Roman Catholic wants to marry a Protestant who has been divorced, the Catholic church might not require that the Protestant's former marriage be annulled. However, because the Catholic church views Orthodox marriage as being sacramental, I needed an annulment. What most frustrated me about this is that the same spirit of love which establishes marriage as a sacrament also desires not the death of a sinner, but that she should turn from her wickedness and live. To me, the Orthodox approach of loving the sinner and giving her a second chance is more Christ-like.

My experience with the annulment process was a positive one, despite what I was led to believe. It isn't true that I had to prove that my ex-husband was completely at fault. In fact, I found the annulment to follow closely the pattern I had already experienced in my consultations with my priest, except almost everything was done on paper for people I couldn't talk to. I needed to establish that the grounds under which I was seeking the annulment were acceptable, which I did in consultation with a Catholic lay person in a volunteer position. She was very positive and loving and listened to me without judgement. The next step was to fill out a form with a series of questions about me and my ex, our backgrounds, our approaches to marriage, and our involvement with the church. Then I wrote a series of essays to more fully explain the circumstances which led to the dissolution of our marriage.

The whole package was sent to the Tribunal's office in the local diocese, and then my involvement was over. I was told I would hear a decision in 12-18 months. Every few months I received a letter with a brief status report, but there was no indication of how much of the process remained or what role I could play. Because my ex and I had established in advance that I would be seeking an annulment, and because our parting was mutual, mine was completed in under 12 months.

After having experienced both approaches, I felt much better about my experience in the Orthodox church. The work I needed to do to return to the chalice and fully reenter the life of the church was always something that was fully in my control. I needed to probe the depths of my self to root out the sin that had both moved me into and out of the marriage. At no time was I asked to blame my ex. The issue was always me and my relationship to God and His Church. There are still some roles I am not allowed to fill in my parish, and there are some that I will never be allowed to fill because I was a participant in the grave sin of divorce. Somehow knowing that there are real world consequences for my actions, and yet I am not driven out completely, is comforting.