More and more I'm convinced that I'm Orthodox out of weakness. That's not to say that if I became strong I would no longer need it! I'm in it and I intend to stay in it. Rather, I think that Orthodoxy provided the framework for me to climb out of nothingness and begin to see the way to God. It was the first church to provide me with a path so clearly holy, Godly, and free of political and worldly blockades, that to me it was a fresh breeze into a stuffy cell. If you knew what my life was like at the time you'd have an image to go along with that metaphor.
Sometimes I wonder if the Roman Catholic Church could have helped me in that same situation. It's possible, I suppose, but seeing how much struggle I'm having now with Roman Catholic history, doctrine, and practice, I doubt it. I was too spiritually weak to need to do that kind of work in order to find God. I think I still am. I've been Orthodox for 8 years and I am still inconsistent with my prayer life. I hope God in His mercy grants me the years I need to become stronger in my faith.
I am blessed to have a priest who gives sermons on personal holiness on Sunday mornings and not on political, ethical, or more worldly-minded topics. I have a wonderful boyfriend who pursues his own relationship with Christ regardless of how wacky I might be about theology or our differences at the time. I am part of an exuberant and active church family who puts me to work and lets me be Martha for a while to balance out the Mary I'm no good at being for very long. We also have little to no problems with jurisdictional issues, ethnic divisions (All Saints is incredibly diverse), or matters happening in other countries that may impact upon our parish. I feel delightfully sheltered from what most people consider the problems of Orthodoxy. This is all good, because my faith is so weak that I'm sure a change from that would shake me to the core.
Through it all I try to keep my focus on Christ, and I try to remember that He's the goal. Thank God for the Orthodox Church who points the way to Him with every fiber of her being.
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The trials, tribulations, and occasional joys of two people, one cradle Catholic and one convert to Orthodoxy, who are trying desperately to bring their relationship to marriage.
2 comments:
So, do you attend Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon's "All Saints"?
If so, you are blessed. We heard him last year in Dallas, when he did a talk on prayer.
My prayers for your "mixed" relationship. May the Theotokos's prayers, and the grace of the Lord, bring both your hearts to the same place.
I attend All Saints in Raleigh, NC, also a parish of the Antiochian Archdiocese. I have had occasion to listen to Fr Patrick speak via podcasts and online lectures, so I know that he is a wonderful speaker and a great priest.
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